STOP YOUR PRESSES AND DROP THE BALLS FOR THE SHOCK, MY PEOPLE! THIS NEWS IS AN ATOMIC BOMB THAT JUST FELL ON LATIN AMERICA!
EXPLOSIVE HEADLINE: THE WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN! THE SUPREME COURT GIVES THE DICTATOR A CLEAR COUNT: MADURO IS CLEARED IN A JUDICIAL SCAM THAT HAS THE CONTINENT VOMITING! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!
SHOCKING SUBTITLE: We all saw that damn notification on our phones that left us wide-eyed and jaws on the floor: “Breaking news, Supreme Court releases Maduro…Read more.” Our hearts stopped. Was it an early April Fool's joke? A massive hack? NO, FOLKS! Reality surpasses even the most outlandish fiction. The “Read more” that went viral hides the biggest judicial travesty of the century. Here we tell you the uncensored truth about how the justice system caved in to power in a masterstroke that no one saw coming!
BY: “THE MACHINE BUMPER” RAMÍREZ / INTERNATIONAL RED CHRONICLE FROM MEXICO CITY
MEXICO CITY / CARACAS – Oh my! My dear readers, if yesterday you felt gravity playing tricks on you and bile rising to your throat when you read that viral headline, you're not alone. It was a collective “no way!” that echoed from the Rio Grande to Tierra del Fuego.
There it was, that image with the red letters “BREAKING NEWS” and Nicolás Maduro’s smiling face, as if he’d just won the lottery (and somehow, he did). And below, the incomplete sentence that had us all cursing: “Breaking news, Supreme Court releases Maduro…See more . ”
Freed from what? The guy's still holed up in Miraflores! Did they free him from stress? From his diet? It was total confusion, guys!
But your humble servant, El Tundemáquinas Ramírez, risking my liver and sanity, clicked on that "See more." And what we found, my friends, is a treacherous stab in the back to the hopes of millions of Venezuelans and a slap in the face to international justice.
Get ready, sit down and have some chamomile tea, because what you are about to read is enough to make your ulcers burst with rage.
THE JUDGES' EARLY MOVE: HOW MUCH DID THE SENTENCE COST?
It turns out that the “See more” link leads us to the most incredible news of the year: “THE SUPREME COURT OF VENEZUELA (the TSJ, the one we all know is biased), IN AN EXTRAORDINARY AND SURPRISING MIDNIGHT SESSION, ISSUED A HISTORIC RULING THAT ANNULS ALL ACCUSATIONS, ARREST WARRANTS AND PENDING PROCEEDINGS AGAINST NICOLÁS MADURO MOROS, DECLARING HIM 'A MAN FREE OF ANY GUILT' AND A VICTIM OF 'IMPERIALIST POLITICAL PERSECUTION'.”
¡PUM! ¡Tómala, barbón! Así, con todas sus letras.
Venezuela's highest court, which is a well-known fact that dances to the regime's tune, decided that the mustachioed man is more innocent than a baby. The DEA's drug trafficking accusations? Pure American nonsense! The allegations of crimes against humanity in The Hague? Fabrications by the traitorous opposition! The rampant corruption that has the country in ruins? No sir, that doesn't exist!
The ruling, a 500-page tome written in "Chavista legal jargon," basically says that Maduro is a martyr, a saintly man who only wanted to defend his people from the clutches of the "empire," and that all the evidence against him is a Hollywood fabrication. Give me a break!
The question we all ask ourselves in the neighborhood is: How much did that piece of paper cost? How many suitcases full of dollars, how many oil concessions, how many promises of impunity were handed out to the judges to get them to sign such an outrageous document?
THE CELEBRATION OF CYNICISM: MADURO LAUGHS ON NATIONAL AIR
And of course, the aforementioned's reaction was swift. As soon as the ruling was announced, Maduro appeared on national television. He didn't look worried, nor humble. Not at all! He appeared in his tricolor jacket, dancing salsa, with a grin from ear to ear like the Joker after robbing a bank.
“Justice has been done, my friend! The truth always triumphs!” shouted the dictator to a plaza full of people who were brought in and applauded without really knowing why.
Maduro, clutching the court ruling as if it were his title deed to the country, mocked everyone. He mocked the United States and its $15 million reward (“They can shove it where the sun don't shine!” he said, laughing). He mocked the opposition, which was left speechless, unsure how to react to this low blow. And above all, he mocked the suffering of millions of Venezuelans who have had to flee their country because of his misrule.
“Now we can govern without obstacles! The revolution is indestructible!” he declared, as his followers applauded.
THE WORLD IN SHOCK: WHAT NEXT?
The international community is incredulous. Phones in Washington, Brussels, and Latin American capitals haven't stopped ringing. What does this mean? Is this the end of international pressure? Has Maduro gotten away with it for good?
International policy experts (those who get paid in dollars to state the obvious) are divided. Some say it's a Pyrrhic victory, a worthless piece of paper that only works within Venezuela but doesn't remove the international arrest warrants. "If he sets foot outside Venezuela, they'll take him out," they assert.
Others, more pessimistic, believe this is the beginning of the end. That this “judicial purge” is the first step for Maduro to begin negotiating his continued hold on power under a cloak of legalistic legitimacy, however false. That it is a sign that the regime is stronger and more entrenched than ever, prepared to use every tool of the state, even bending the law to the breaking point, to cling to power.
CONCLUSION: JUSTICE IS A SOLD-OUT RAT
This viral clickbait that gave us such a fright yesterday, my friends, is living proof that in politics, and especially in dictatorships, there are no limits. The cynicism knows no bounds.
The “See more” button spat a painful truth in our faces: Justice in Venezuela is dead, buried, and with a tombstone that says “Property of Nicolás Maduro.”
Today, the dictator sleeps more soundly, with a piece of paper that says he's innocent. But history, that can't be bought with petrodollars. History will judge him, and that judgment, my friend, no bribed Supreme Court can overturn.
Meanwhile, we're left with our anger stuck in our throats, watching the bad guys get away with it once again. It's outrageous! We'll keep reporting on this circus, if we don't have a heart attack first!